On Pause

I know I haven't written much about Cohen in a while. I think we have sort of been on pause and maybe we still are a little. Before we knew about Cohen's diagnosis we had sort of discussed a plan of finding out the gender in early Nov. but not doing too much planning until after Christmas so that we would just enjoy our last Christmas with just Cort. We've really done the same thing in a sense even with the news. We started praying immediately that in the wake of all of this that we would not miss out on Cort and his growing up. We want to enjoy Christmas with him and not look back with regrets. God has been faithful to give us the strength to walk through this so far and to find joy in things we do daily.

As we approach Christmas I find myself growing anxious and the intensity of the sadness increasing again. Christmas is such a source of joy, such a time of thankfulness, and such wonderful time of focus on God's goodness and provision. I know that these things don't change after Dec. 25 but I am fearful of the reality we will have to face when we hit the "play" button. I feel like as the new year approaches with it comes a multitude of tasks that would just be easier undone. Necessary things that we have to do - things we know will make it "easier" on us the day he is born and the time after but things that just seem so unnatural to do when you are planning for the birth of your child. I struggle sometimes with the balance of taking the necessary steps to prepare for what might come and feeling faithless in doing so. Chris and I firmly believe that God will heal Cohen if it is in His will but also feel we must act in accordance to what we know now.

We were able to "undo the pause button" this Tuesday and go in for another ultrasound with Cohen. We approached this ultrasound with a nervous excitement. I couldn't wait to see Cohen again. To see each of his little features growing and thriving in my body - to get to know him just a little bit more. I was excited for Chris to get to see him again since he doesn't have the benefit I do of constantly feeling him alive within me. We were nervous of the emotions it would bring - would it take us back to that first day we found out? On that day, even with knowing what they were looking for, we really enjoyed getting to see our son so clearly and with such a detailed extensive ultrasound. We were able to giggle at the little things he did and smile when we saw his little toes and sweet face. I prayed that this ultrasound this week would be the same. God is faithful. We enjoyed every second of seeing our sweet son. My eyes only welled up with tears of joy over the life God is currently giving him.

The ultrasound did not show any new information really but did confirm that Cohen is otherwise healthy and growing well. Two answered prayers for us were that I still do not have extra amniotic fluid with means he is still able to swallow the appropriate amount and that his head size has not increased beyond normal measurement. An increased head size is common in the dysplasia and can develop at any time. It doesn't really have any effect on what happens the day he is born but for whatever reason it's something we have been praying against so to speak. I guess it's just a desire for everything that can go "right" to do so. I want him to be as comfortable as possible now and when he is born. Another answered prayer was simply that they allowed us to have the ultrasound on DVD. This isn't typical but they were willing to do it for us. We are thrilled to have this memory of him. We are thankful and grateful for every answered prayer and for God's faithfulness and sovereignty in every little thing.
We also met with a NICU doctor to get some more info about the day of his birth - our options and medically what that day might look like to the best of his knowledge. He was very nice and very helpful. We have to write a thorough birth plan about or wishes for that day and so we are attempting to gain as much info as we can before we finalize all of that.
Chris is working on splicing a small part of the video so that I can post it. In the meantime, here are a few new pictures.