March 21st....

...March 21st - that day has been burned into my mind for the past few months. March 21st - the day I would give birth to Cohen - the day I would see him, meet him, and possibly say goodbye to him. And here we are - on March 21st sitting by Cohen's crib in the NICU - watching him sleep. I woke up this morning thinking about what this day could have been like. What it would have been like to have to have gone to sleep last night with this day before us - what it would have been like to put ourselves in the car and drive here to the hospital. If you had asked me before,I would have never have chosen for March 5 to happen the way it did - to be told we had to have him early - to get a phone call saying come to the Hospital right now because you are sick and we have to get that baby out now - it all seemed so quick - we felt so unprepared and I just kept thinking -"I'm not ready for this - how do we do this?" But we had no choice - it all happened so quick - I had no time to mentally prepare - and for that now, I thank God. As Chris said in the post before - through all of this God has held us. And he was certainly holding us that day - he saved us from the agonizing "night before" - he saved us from having any choice in the matter. As I waited in the prep room to go in for the c-section, listening to Cohen's heart beating, I can't say I had a total overwhelming peace - there were moments were I thought I might could actually have a panic attack but somehow - those moments would be fleeting and instead we would be calm. Sitting in the OR room I did experience the most supernatural calming I have ever felt - we were going to give birth to our son and I was excited!!! And then, then to hear his cry - his wonderful, beautiful, perfect cry...the hear the commotion of the doctors trying to decide rather to honor our birthplan or medically intervene. Chris looked over the curtain and and I asked how he looks, Chris said, "He looks like our son." The doctor poked around the curtain with Cohen in arm and asked permission to evaluate him instead of letting me immediately hold him. I quickly said yes, but oh, how I wanted to hold him right then and there. Thankfully, God allowed Cohen to continue to cry during the whole evaluation so I could hear him and know he was okay. The NICU doctor finally brought him over to me but still wanted to immediately take him to the NICU - thus once again delaying me holding him!!!
I had to go to Recovery but they only made me stay there for 15 minutes to receive some medicine for the preeclampsia and then wheeled my entire bed into the NICU. The most beautiful thing I have ever seen is Cohen hooked up to wires and tubes. I know that sounds crazy but all through out the pregnancy something that was so hard for me was knowing that we wouldn't really be able to do anything for Cohen. That they wouldn't monitor him so that we could enjoy the few moments we had without all of the wires and tubes and beeps and such. They wouldn't give him oxygen so as not to prolong his pain. So, to see him with all his wires and tubes - to know we were helping him and not just passively standing by and waiting.....I just can't explain how that felt. And now, to sit here with him with the possibility of bringing him home on Sunday( yes, that's right maybe on Sunday!!!) - I just am so overwhelmed with gratefulness.
On this Good Friday, the day that Jesus gave His life for us, the day that God surrendered his son to save us, He has continued to give us ours. Undeserving we are indeed.
Cohen is off of his oxygen monitor. He passed his car seat check. The recording of this oxygen levels make the doctors feel like he can come home without oxygen or monitors. The doctor said his recording was one of the healthiest he sees in the NICU!!! We are praising God for that. We are also a little nervous about it ;)!!!
If he gains weight over the next few days then we can possible take him home on Sunday and def. by Monday!!!
Ok- didn't intend for it to be so long. Em