Update on Cohen

We haven't been good about posting pictures and this one didn't turn out very well but this is Cohen and me at 30 weeks.

Last week was sort of a week of ups and downs. We had two doctors appts. this week - one with the specialist and one with my OB. The specialist appointment went well as far as us getting to discuss some of our concerns and questions. We had been feeling a little disappointed in the medical treatment we were getting - not in quality or anything like that but the feeling a bit just that because medically his condition is considered "no hope" that we weren't able to receive the monitoring for him that we would prefer or that would be given to a baby who they considered to have a chance for a more extended survival. Our goal is to get to the day of his birth and to at least hold or see him alive for a brief time. We are only receiving ultrasounds every 5 weeks or so and just were starting to feel like we couldn't make informed decisions about the delivery that way. We were able to discuss some of this with the specialist and to talk through some things we were concerned about. We did find out that what we were suspecting about the lack of monitoring was a bit true especially because of insurance. We were able to express that we weren't comfortable with that and it was decided to sort of discuss this with our regular OB and then reconvene.
The ultrasound on that day was very disheartening for us - he was not in a good position so we were not able to see him very well and we also found out that one of his arms is fractured. I am so fearful of what kind of pain he is in. Not really being able to see him and seeing his little broken bone just made it seem like he was slipping away. I was struck with an overwhelming fear that he was not going to make it to birth. This is the first week where I really felt fear gripping me that intensely and was having such a hard time letting that fear go. It seems everything we are doing right now is focused on his death instead of his life. It's so hard to prepare for the possibility of one and hope for the other.

The morning before our regular OB appointment ( two days after the specialist) I was just having such a hard time with the fear and just overwhelmed by all the things we had to do and the decisions we had to make. This OB appointment seemed so important because it was were we were hoping to get some answers about possibilities of future monitoring and delivery decisions. A friend of mine shared a verse with me she came across in a quiet time on New Years Eve.

" You will not leave in a hurry, running for your lives. For the Lord will go ahead of you; yes, the God of Israel will protect you from behind." Isaiah 52: 12

What a great reminder to me of our wonderful God. It is foolish for me to worry about what lies ahead - God is there waiting for me already. If I truly trust in Him and in His love for me, I have no reason to fear - for whatever happens God has gone ahead of me - His way prevails - His way is always better than mine no matter how hard that is to swallow at times. I also often fear looking back and regretting doing or not doing something right for Cohen - again how foolish, God not only goes before me but also protects me from behind. He is my protector from all angles.

God went ahead of us. Our OB heard us well and immediately suggested to start weekly monitoring with the ultrasound so we can make informed decisions and get to see him more often. She didn't make us feel unreasonable for wanting this and we were grateful for that. We also had a good discussion about the c-section and rather or not that was still the best route. She really feels like it is and after a lot of praying and talking about it so do we. We go back next Monday( at 32 weeks) and will start going weekly after that. My due date is March 24th and we have the c-section scheduled right now for the 21st. That place will be held until or if we decided to move it up based on monitoring.

Also, thanks to another friend, Chris and I were able to get our on Friday and get started on a lot of the "things" we needed to do. While all of the "things" aren't pleasant, it definitely lowers my stress level about our overwhelming to do list to at least get started.

Specific Prayer Requests:
- That God would heal Cohen and if not that we would get at least some time with him at birth
- That Cohen's arm would heal well and that he would not have anymore fractures.
- That my fears will not overtake me
- God's protection over us in all of this
- That as Chris and I are having to do a lot of the planning stages of things for when Cohen is born and for if he dies that we
would still be able to focus on the life and time God has already given us and is giving to us now with Cohen
- For our family as they deal with all of this as well and are not in town with us
- For our friends - praise God for them and that God would also protect them as they so selflessly lay themselves down for us right now