Where does my Help Come From?

** this is a post I actually wrote in June and am just now getting around to posting it. I'm working on another post about some thoughts right now but wanted to post this one first.

So, I know I haven't written much on the blog and when I have it has just been for information updates. I mentioned in my last post that is was because I was just trying to prioritize some things and spend less time on the computer and that is a huge part of it. But it's also because I just can't seem to get a good grasp on all of my thoughts.
Our computer sits in our kitchen on a little desk in the corner. Our house is very open - I see the computer all the time. It is often work for me not to constantly get on it. I am not a internet surfer or a game player. I am a blog reader - I used to just check in on a few girls I know from college who I wouldn't get to catch up with if it wasn't for blogging. But now - it's different. There is a whole community of women that I connected with during my pregnancy and I just can't leave them. I am anxious to hear about how their days are - how they are coping either as they await the birth of their child and hope to get to hold them for at least a few short minutes, as they await to hear from adoption companies, as they brave another day taking care of their child with special needs, or as they visit the grave site of their lost little ones. These women are spread out all over the country and I may never meet one of them face to face. But I love them all. Most, I hardly even communicate with other then us each checking each other's blogs but they are are always in my heart. Always in my prayers. I believe God put me here for a reason - I don't know them all but I know that He did. I find myself in a state of hesitation often because I walked the same pregnancy journey many of these women did but I am not walking the same journey afterwards. But I do walk beside them in theirs, quietly from afar, perched at a keyboard. I cry for little ones and for them. My heart pleads to God for healing.

Almost 7 months ago now, I was blissfully unaware. This is not something I am proud of but truth be told it is something I sometimes long for. Now, I am not ignorant. I know and have always known that this world is a tough place. In my working years, I worked with sweet children( and their families) who had severe disabilities. I loved my job and the children I spent my days with. I was not blind to the tragedies that fall upon families. I am beyond fortunate that the following statement did not hold true for us, but something changes in you, I think forever, when you hear the words "incompatible with life" as you sit in an ultrasound room. It brings with it knowledge and pain that I wish no mother would bear. But now, I sometimes feel overwhelmed by the knowledge I know hold. I am submerged into this world now where bringing home your baby has a whole new meaning. And it doesn't stop there - Marriages falling apart, businesses in trouble, health issues, the list goes on. We live in a fallen world. My eyes are more open to that now more than ever. I long for a day when I can check all these blogs and words of joy replace the words of pain. I sometimes wish that I could just turn off the computer and never look back. But I cannot. God has put these people, this knowledge in my life. He has put on my heart the call to pray for families- mothers, fathers, little unborn babies that covet our prayers. I am not entitled to be blissfully unaware. Reality is where we live.

In my reality right now, I want to choose to be blissfully aware. Blissfully aware that my help comes from the Lord. I am doing a study right now on the psalms by Beth Moore. ( thanks Emily - it's been great)
Even when I feel alone, despaired, and just sick of the reality I see all around me - My Lord is by my side. He is my protector - my keeper - he never sleeps. A friend of mine and I have recently been talking about needing truth. Just the need to cling to truths we know about God. This isn't always easy. When we see the effects of our fallen world play out over and over again - it's easy sometimes to wonder where God is. A truth that I clung to in my pregnancy and now is that He is God. He is Good and He loves me. I know you've seen me type that million times now. Another truth that I am now trying to cling to - even when i don't always feel it - is that God is right here. He is right here by my side. He is by the side of every mother I have met who has handed their child over to God. He is by the side of every wife hurting. He is by the side of families who are struggling financially, He is HERE. He is not just sitting on His throne watching the earth as if it's projected on His big screen. He is HERE - right here on earth. He NEVER abandons us. I have experienced this in a way that I still sometimes can't believe. I have experience a miracle. But this is not always how he protects us - miracles, healing are not always how he is HERE. I don't pretend to understand. But our God is big - his vision far exceeds ours. I want to choose daily to trust Him as my provider, my keeper, my protector.