One Year ago today....

I can't believe it's already Nov. 7. One year ago today we went in for our 20 week ultrasound hopeful to find out the gender of our new little one and to get a healthy report. We found out we were having another boy and that was super exciting. But the lack of talking in the ultrasound room really should have been our first clue...
We had about 20 minutes of thinking we were having a healthy baby boy and then our world really seemed to come crashing down. When we were told that are sons arms and legs were measuring short we were worried but more the kind of worried of "what will our lives be like if he has these special needs?" It honestly never crossed my mind that they would tell us he wouldn't live. The next hours of the day were filled with an hour long 3-D ultrasound,more doctors, and a genetic counselor. There is much about that day that that at first seems blurry to me but as I sit and think it all comes back to me like it was yesterday - what we were wearing, peoples faces.... I remember words like, "fatal, incompatible with life, death bearing."

That day launched us into a year of clinging to God with all that we had. With months of praying for a miracle but also trying desperately to accept God's will, whatever came. We named our son. We loved him. We prepared for his birth and for his death. We were surrounded with love and so was our son. The way people loved him without ever laying eyes on him did so much good for my heart.

As much as I tried not to, I spent a lot of time, thinking about what life would be like after he was born and after he died. I thought about what it would be like to go to stores, friend's houses, church, parties, etc. with this scar on my heart. I knew what it felt like to be carrying a child that is suppose to die - I was living that but it was so difficult to get my head and heart around the afterwards. We picked out birth announcements that would also be appropriate if he did not stay with us, we looked at cemeteries, bought an outfit to bury him in, we met with a funeral director, we bought him a blanket and a stuff animal, a few gowns and outfits if we got to bring him home for a few days. We set up a bassinet and cleaned out a dresser drawer in the guest room. I couldn't bring myself to make a nursery.

We held a concert and prayer service for Cohen to bring a body of believers together to praise God, pray for Cohen, and for Chris to share his music with him. Here is a video we played at the service to introduce everyone to our son.....



We prayed and we prayed and we prayed. And we struggled with rather or not our prayers really mattered but we prayed in obedience and we prayed in desperation. We prayed for a miracle, we prayed for his life, but above all we prayed for God's will to be done and for His glory.

Almost 4 months after our ultrasound and being told our son would never be able to breath on his own, we gave birth to our son, and he came out screaming...

( click back to the first picture to watch his birthday in order)

BubbleShare: Share photos - Craft Ideas


One year later, I write all of this while my 8 month old son, Cohen, sleeps in his nursery. One year later, I am in a totally different place then I ever imagined before that ultrasound and i am certainly in a different place than I imagined after the ultrasound. What exactly that place is - we may not have figured out yet but we continue to stand in awe of the gift that God has given us.

A year ago today, the doctors told us that our son would surely die. A year ago today, God began to use a tiny little baby in a very big way. We are undeserving and so privileged that God allowed us to be a part of it.

I struggle as I write this, knowing that today, other mothers will be hearing news like we did. My heart hurts for them as they struggle to understand and know what to do. I struggle as I write this, as I know today other mothers look back on this year and do know what it feels like to walk around with that scar on their hearts. I pray for them daily and if God places it in your heart, please pray for them too. I praise God for each of those little lives and the impact they have made.

We are about to live through the four months of the year that we lived through last year with such heavy hearts. I feel giddy with excitement as I think about the days, weeks, moments, and holidays ahead that we get to spend with our sweet son.

There are many unknowns for us and for Cohen as we continue through this journey but a year ago today, I began to cling to some of the truths I know. God is God, He is Good, and He loves me. These truths got me through many days. A year ago today, I began of journey of learning so much about the wonderful God we serve. In a recent Bible Study I have been doing, the author listed some attributes of God...

He is just.
He is good.
He is holy.
He is righteous.
He is sovereign.
He is Everywhere.
He is all knowing.
He is unchanging.
He is truth.
He is merciful.
He is jealous.
He is love.
He is eternal.
He is a provider.
He is a healer.

My son is alive, but these things are true of God rather he lived or died. I am thankful for this past year and I am so thankful that that is the kind of God we serve.