Too Tightly

Trusting God. It seems so silly that this is even something I still struggle with. I mean really, after having trusted God with Cohen's life when everyone was telling us there was no life to come, why does it not just come easily as we move forward from that?

I worry. A lot. I can say that worrying by far has probably been one of my biggest struggles in my walk with God. Not giving things over to Him. Trying to control each and every little detail of my life. EVERY little detail. Over the past years, I've actually gotten a little better. I've let go of the grip I had on a lot of things. Loosened up a little bit. Two things in recent past that certainly made a profound impact on how much control I tried to take and how much I worried about things were when Chris left his engineering job to go on staff at our church in the summer of 2007 and the 2nd half of Cohen's pregnancy. First, the whole process of God leading us to take the position at the church was a great one for me. God taught me a lot about trusting my husband and trusting Him. Normally, something that was that big of a change would have really had my stomach all in knots but I had such a peace about it all. It was a process that took several months of talking it through, praying, seeking God in it all. God taught me a little about waiting on him, not being anxious, and just being. From the moment we finally decided to make the change, I felt a freedom, even just in day to day things that I really never experienced before. It was perhaps my first real experience with really just "letting go and letting God". Not easy to admit when I have been a Christian for 19 years!!!

Then, just about 3 months later, we had Cohen's 20 week ultrasound. Talk about things being out of your hands. Don't get me wrong, i had moments of trying to figure out some way to fix it or make it more tolerable... I had moments of anger at the way God was letting things happen... I had just about every possible emotion you can think of. But man, was there a peace and a sweetness about that time becuase it was just us and God. No website, doctor, friend, theologian, song, family, was going to change what they were telling us. Many or all of those things played a vital role in helping us through that horrible time but it was God who held us. It was God who helped me let my feet hit the floor every morning and my eyes to close for at least a few hours of restful sleep every night. It was God who placed the right people at the right time in our lives, it was God who knew exactly what my daily tears were for, it was God who heard my prayers even when I couldn't let my lips say them one more time... and it was God who surrounded us with protection and peace the night that Cohen was born, and oh yes, it was God who saved my son. I don't know how to put into words exactly what it feels like to carry a life literally inside you but yet to hold that life out with open arms to our true God for him to take. I don't know how we did it, but we did - only by the sweet, sweet Grace of our Lord. And that night Cohen was born, I believe God picked up my son, kissed his little forehead and for reasons we may never know, put him back in my arms.

And I have held on way to tightly ever since.

I have spent countless minutes, days, hours, weeks, months, worrying about Cohen and his development. Worrying about his medical care, his therapies, his nutrition, and wondering if we're giving him the best care possible. Watching every little thing he does and doesn't do and analyzing what that means. Worrying about how we'll parent him in the best way possible.

Give me one little ounce of control and I take it a mile.I learned so much about not needing to know answers or even the" reasons why" during my pregnancy and I have to fight daily not to let that all go out the window. I have so let the state of things on a daily basis control my mood, steal my joy, and lead to anger and frustration when things aren't "up" instead of finding all of my contentment in God. All of the sudden, the not knowing plagues me. Not knowing what life will look like for Cohen one month, 1 year, 5 years from now.

I'm fighting change tooth and nail just because I don't know what it means we're going to look like on the other side. It's pointless - everything about our life has changed. But that's not all a bad thing just different and sometimes it scares me. I want it to excite me - excite me that God isn't just leaving us where we are. That God has plans for us.

So I'm praying and practicing giving Cohen back to God... holding him out with open arms.... trusting that my sweet Savior is enough for me, for us, and for Cohen. Trusting that tomorrow is His to decide and all for His Glory. Enjoying the sweet, sweet blessing that God has bestowed upon us today.


This I declare of the LORD: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I am trusting him. Psalm 91:2

That is why we have a great High Priest who has gone to heaven, Jesus the Son of God. Let us cling to him and never stop trusting him. Hebrews 4:14

For if we are faithful to the end, trusting God just as firmly as when we first believed, we will share in all that belongs to Christ. Hebrews 3:14