Next week

Next week holds a lot.
Tuesday morning we will be doing pregnancy pictures through an organization called Now I Lay me Down to Sleep.
Tuesday afternoon we will have a doctor's appointment.
Thursday morning we have a meeting with a funeral home.
Friday we are taking a hospital tour specific to our situation.

Each holds it's own struggles. The pictures because I didn't do them with Cort. They have never really interested me but I just feel like it's a way to celebrate Cohen's life now but it is strange to me to do things differently with him.

The doctor's appointment is a struggle mainly because for me it's the marker of another week gone. And while I long to see Cohen's face, each passing day sometimes feels so heavy. I often think, " why can't I just stay pregnant - that way I don't risk losing him - I never have to say goodbye."

Thursday and the funeral home. I guess it doesn't seem to need explanation as to why this is hard but it does. Chris and I are doing lots of things in preparation for Cohen's birth. Sometimes it feels good even though it isn't they way we would like to be preparing - like his Birth plan. We met last week with our support counselor( have I told you about the awesome non-profit group here? next post) to walk through our birth plan. Writing it was hard in a way because it certainly isn't the birth plan we ever imagined writing - lots of heavy decisions to be made for Cohen. But writing it also felt so good because we are parenting our son - we, as his Mom and Dad, prayerfully considered choices and paths that we felt best for our son and we made decisions for Cohen. That felt good. Now, the funeral home, it's mainly a struggle for us because we aren't sure we want to do it all. I know that sounds obvious but I don't just mean because no parent wants to bury their child. We struggle because we have hope or are really trying to have hope that God will heal Cohen - it's hard for me to write that - God will heal Cohen - it's easier to write God can heal Cohen because I believe that with my whole heart. But to believe that he will - that carries with it a fear of disappointment with God if he doesn't. We struggle daily with the balance of hope and faith and living in what our world says is reality. To go to the funeral home - well, it sometimes seems like the right thing to do - to prepare as much as we can now so that it will be "easier" on us later, but it sometimes feels so faithless. We have the appointment for Thursday - we were suppose to go last week and Cort got sick so we had to cancel. I don't know. Pray for us.

The hospital tour - just a reminder of the expectation of his death....the expectation that we will not go home with our son.

I know that was all really heavy and it wasn't really my intent. We are actually in a decent place right now but I have mainly just been updating the blog after things have happened. We appreciate everyone's prayers and so I just thought this time I would speak to it all ahead of time so you can be praying for us. Thanks for letting me share.