Concert for Cohen

*** I'll leave this post up until the date of the concert - scroll down to see more current posts.

Chris and I have planned a prayer concert for Cohen on Friday. Feb. 15th at 8:00pm. As the invitation says, anyone who wants to be there is welcome to come. We appreciate every one's prayers and would love to have a community of believers gathered together to pray for Cohen. This night holds significance for us on a few levels. First, as I mentioned, to unite in prayer and to worship God. But also, this is something we can do for Cohen right now, while he is alive if God chooses not to heal him. Music is Chris' passion. He has always desired to share it with our children. He and a few of his buddies will be playing a mix of praise songs and other music that he has chosen to play for Cohen that night.
If you can't join us in person, we welcome your prayers.

The Circus

We took Cort to the circus the weekend before last. We weren't sure if it was going to be the best year to do it or if we should wait another year but Chris really wanted to give it a try. I am so glad we did. Cort was memorized by it all. He just sat in our laps staring at everything the whole time. He would occasionally pull his eyes away to look at us, point, and tell us what he was seeing. His favorite parts were the elephants, bikes, cars, and the trapeze.
He saw an elephant at the preshow and so asked for elephants marching the whole time. They were the last part of the show so it was a great way to end the event for Cort.


Watching the Elephants March

The Elephants

Daddy and Cort

The Bikes!

Memorized
The Cars!

Mountains

A few weeks a go we went to the mountains for the day to see Chris' parents. They were staying for a weekend. Cort had a blast with Grandmommy and Gpop. It was also a great little break for Chris and I just to get away for the day. Don't know how I managed to got any pics of Cort with the Grandparents!!!

Tuesday

Thanks to all of you who prayed for us yesterday. It was a good day. We started with our pregnancy pictures that morning and we had a really good time. The photographer and his assistant were so nice and we really had fun while we were there. Turns out his assistant goes to our church so that was a fun connection. I really wouldn't have normally done the pictures but I am so glad we did. It was a great experience and I am really looking forward to seeing the pictures and having them as a great keepsake from this pregnancy.

The doctors appointment also went well. We had another ultrasound and my fluid levels were still good. They are in the lower range but we were able to talk through this and the doctor isn't worried about them all - they would have to drop pretty significantly from where they are now before they would be alarmed so that made me feel good. We had a good time seeing him. He had his little toes touching his nose so that was sort of funny. We could see his eye open and close and he kept opening his mouth and moving his tongue around! The ultrasound technician was really nice and she tried to get a good look at his arm bone but since it was just 2D we really couldn't tell how it looked. I am measuring a little small on my belly but my weight had increased so things look good there. We are so thankful we are getting to have these ultraounds weekly and getting to see him so much.

Thanks again for your prayers. Today is an "off" day and I am just spending it with Cort.

Next week

Next week holds a lot.
Tuesday morning we will be doing pregnancy pictures through an organization called Now I Lay me Down to Sleep.
Tuesday afternoon we will have a doctor's appointment.
Thursday morning we have a meeting with a funeral home.
Friday we are taking a hospital tour specific to our situation.

Each holds it's own struggles. The pictures because I didn't do them with Cort. They have never really interested me but I just feel like it's a way to celebrate Cohen's life now but it is strange to me to do things differently with him.

The doctor's appointment is a struggle mainly because for me it's the marker of another week gone. And while I long to see Cohen's face, each passing day sometimes feels so heavy. I often think, " why can't I just stay pregnant - that way I don't risk losing him - I never have to say goodbye."

Thursday and the funeral home. I guess it doesn't seem to need explanation as to why this is hard but it does. Chris and I are doing lots of things in preparation for Cohen's birth. Sometimes it feels good even though it isn't they way we would like to be preparing - like his Birth plan. We met last week with our support counselor( have I told you about the awesome non-profit group here? next post) to walk through our birth plan. Writing it was hard in a way because it certainly isn't the birth plan we ever imagined writing - lots of heavy decisions to be made for Cohen. But writing it also felt so good because we are parenting our son - we, as his Mom and Dad, prayerfully considered choices and paths that we felt best for our son and we made decisions for Cohen. That felt good. Now, the funeral home, it's mainly a struggle for us because we aren't sure we want to do it all. I know that sounds obvious but I don't just mean because no parent wants to bury their child. We struggle because we have hope or are really trying to have hope that God will heal Cohen - it's hard for me to write that - God will heal Cohen - it's easier to write God can heal Cohen because I believe that with my whole heart. But to believe that he will - that carries with it a fear of disappointment with God if he doesn't. We struggle daily with the balance of hope and faith and living in what our world says is reality. To go to the funeral home - well, it sometimes seems like the right thing to do - to prepare as much as we can now so that it will be "easier" on us later, but it sometimes feels so faithless. We have the appointment for Thursday - we were suppose to go last week and Cort got sick so we had to cancel. I don't know. Pray for us.

The hospital tour - just a reminder of the expectation of his death....the expectation that we will not go home with our son.

I know that was all really heavy and it wasn't really my intent. We are actually in a decent place right now but I have mainly just been updating the blog after things have happened. We appreciate everyone's prayers and so I just thought this time I would speak to it all ahead of time so you can be praying for us. Thanks for letting me share.

1st of the weeklies

This week we had a doctor appointment with my OB that kicked off the weekly appointments. We had an ultrasound there so it was great to get to see him. They aren't the 3D ones so we don't get to see much but he was more cooperative than last time so that was good. My fluid levels looked good and his heartbeat was nice and strong. His little cheeks look so chubby even in the 2D. The ultrasound tech showed us where you can see he is starting to have some hair on his head. Love it.

It was def. nice for us to get to see him and reassuring that everything looked good as far as the pregnancy was going.
Lots of people are wondering about his arm but we weren't able to see it so we aren't sure how it is healing. We probably won't know until we go back to the specialist on the 19th.

I've been tagged...

.... and I've never done one of these before. I am suppose to write 10 things about Cort. What can i write that I haven't already??? Lets see...

1. Yesterday Cort may have saved Mowgli's( our cat's) life. He kept saying "No, Cat!" over and over while I was unloading groceries. Then he starting screaming "where'd cat go?" I kept answering from the kitchen that he must be hiding. He became much more animated about his questioning and I realized he was telling me the cat went somewhere not asking me where he was. I hadn't shut the door all the way and Mowgli had gone into the garage and was on top of the open garage door. We were about to get in the car and shut the garage door. As I went into the garage, Cort said, " Cat, up high!" and sure enough there he was.

2. Cort has finally started liking peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. This is a great help when I need a quick meal!!

3. He has an ear infection right now. I wouldn't have known it yet except when he was fussing this morning, I asked him what was wrong and he pointed to his right ear and said "Cort's ear hurt" He had a borderline fever when I checked it but is cutting teeth so i probably would have chalked it up to that if he hadn't said his ear hurt. I took him to the doctor - he has a "nasty" ear infection in his right ear. You've gotta love this stage of communication.

4. Cort does not want to be rocked at night right now at all. As soon as we finish reading books he says " Cort, night, night" and that's it - no rocking, no singing - he wants to go straight to bed. I don't like it.

5. When he goes "night, night" he wants to know if Mommy and Daddy are going night, night too. He also wants to know if Sophie, Kate, Molly, Walker, Haley, etc. are going night, night too. He does this when he eats sometimes too. I love to hear him talk about his friends without prompting.

6. He got a Little People video for his birthday and the characters are sort of claymation. He calls it the Doh video( as in play doh) - it took us a little while to figure that one out.

7. Cort has gotten quite used to seeing Tums on my nightstand. We were in a craft store the other day and there was a tums shaped bottle of glue on the shelf. Cort said, "mommy's medicine."

8. They are doing road work on the main road we take to get places from our neighborhood. They will be doing it for one and a half year. I am not thrilled about this. Cort is beside himself with excitement. Everyday we get to see all sorts of work trucks and he is finally starting to call them all by name instead of just tractors.

9. Cort's current favorite game is to hide other the covers or under a pillow. He requests for everyone to hide and then pops out and says, " I see Cort."

10. Cort wants everyone do everything he does "too", Ie. Mommy sit too, Daddy eat waffles too, etc. For a long time, Cort has said "toot, toot," when ever he passes gas. Occasionally he'll pass gas, say "toot, toot," and then request, "Mommy toot toot too?"

White snow

It snowed last week and Cort has just now stopped asking for more white snow.

This was really the first time he had ever seen snow - it snowed once last year but it was really slushy and we didn't really play in it.
He was very excited to see it when we got up in the morning. He kept saying, " See white snow" " Cort see white snow" and then I think it sparked his first 5 word sentence( he phrased it as more of a question... " Mommy see white snow too?"

The roads weren't too bad so Daddy had to go to work but we bundled up before he left and ventured out. He didn't want to get down in at first but once he did he didn't want to stop. He loved marching in the snow and there were little footprints all over the yard. He didn't really care to touch it though. He also didn't want his gloves on until he got out in it and realized how cold it was. He then gladly let me put them on and left them on.



We played in it later that afternoon too and he liked it even more. He was very into all the snowmen everyone built around the neighborhood and since the snowmen hung around for a few days, every time we drove in the car he would ask to see snowmen.



* side note - the stomach bug ran through our house this week but thankfully it was like a 12-24 hour type bug and we survived it without too much trouble!!! We each only got sick one time so it was pretty manageable. I was really thankful for that because so many people we knew had it last for days or had it so badly they had to go to the hospital for dehydration so i was really afraid of getting it!!!

Update on Cohen

We haven't been good about posting pictures and this one didn't turn out very well but this is Cohen and me at 30 weeks.

Last week was sort of a week of ups and downs. We had two doctors appts. this week - one with the specialist and one with my OB. The specialist appointment went well as far as us getting to discuss some of our concerns and questions. We had been feeling a little disappointed in the medical treatment we were getting - not in quality or anything like that but the feeling a bit just that because medically his condition is considered "no hope" that we weren't able to receive the monitoring for him that we would prefer or that would be given to a baby who they considered to have a chance for a more extended survival. Our goal is to get to the day of his birth and to at least hold or see him alive for a brief time. We are only receiving ultrasounds every 5 weeks or so and just were starting to feel like we couldn't make informed decisions about the delivery that way. We were able to discuss some of this with the specialist and to talk through some things we were concerned about. We did find out that what we were suspecting about the lack of monitoring was a bit true especially because of insurance. We were able to express that we weren't comfortable with that and it was decided to sort of discuss this with our regular OB and then reconvene.
The ultrasound on that day was very disheartening for us - he was not in a good position so we were not able to see him very well and we also found out that one of his arms is fractured. I am so fearful of what kind of pain he is in. Not really being able to see him and seeing his little broken bone just made it seem like he was slipping away. I was struck with an overwhelming fear that he was not going to make it to birth. This is the first week where I really felt fear gripping me that intensely and was having such a hard time letting that fear go. It seems everything we are doing right now is focused on his death instead of his life. It's so hard to prepare for the possibility of one and hope for the other.

The morning before our regular OB appointment ( two days after the specialist) I was just having such a hard time with the fear and just overwhelmed by all the things we had to do and the decisions we had to make. This OB appointment seemed so important because it was were we were hoping to get some answers about possibilities of future monitoring and delivery decisions. A friend of mine shared a verse with me she came across in a quiet time on New Years Eve.

" You will not leave in a hurry, running for your lives. For the Lord will go ahead of you; yes, the God of Israel will protect you from behind." Isaiah 52: 12

What a great reminder to me of our wonderful God. It is foolish for me to worry about what lies ahead - God is there waiting for me already. If I truly trust in Him and in His love for me, I have no reason to fear - for whatever happens God has gone ahead of me - His way prevails - His way is always better than mine no matter how hard that is to swallow at times. I also often fear looking back and regretting doing or not doing something right for Cohen - again how foolish, God not only goes before me but also protects me from behind. He is my protector from all angles.

God went ahead of us. Our OB heard us well and immediately suggested to start weekly monitoring with the ultrasound so we can make informed decisions and get to see him more often. She didn't make us feel unreasonable for wanting this and we were grateful for that. We also had a good discussion about the c-section and rather or not that was still the best route. She really feels like it is and after a lot of praying and talking about it so do we. We go back next Monday( at 32 weeks) and will start going weekly after that. My due date is March 24th and we have the c-section scheduled right now for the 21st. That place will be held until or if we decided to move it up based on monitoring.

Also, thanks to another friend, Chris and I were able to get our on Friday and get started on a lot of the "things" we needed to do. While all of the "things" aren't pleasant, it definitely lowers my stress level about our overwhelming to do list to at least get started.

Specific Prayer Requests:
- That God would heal Cohen and if not that we would get at least some time with him at birth
- That Cohen's arm would heal well and that he would not have anymore fractures.
- That my fears will not overtake me
- God's protection over us in all of this
- That as Chris and I are having to do a lot of the planning stages of things for when Cohen is born and for if he dies that we
would still be able to focus on the life and time God has already given us and is giving to us now with Cohen
- For our family as they deal with all of this as well and are not in town with us
- For our friends - praise God for them and that God would also protect them as they so selflessly lay themselves down for us right now

Birthday Party

Cort had a blast at his birthday party. Our Camera seems to be on the outs so I didn't get a lot of great pictures - plus I tried to just enjoy the party and not get too caught up in pictures. Glad I did but wish I had some more pics of him with all of his little friends.

We were able to use a bounce house for free and kids loved it!!! We let Cort jump in it a little before the party and he had a blast. He loved having all of his grandparents and his Mommy and Daddy in there with him at one time!!




We had a cars and trucks themed birthday party and Cort loved it. I made his cake again this year. I really like doing it - it's fun.
Cort enjoyed his cake(but wanted to eat it with a fork)!



Trying to blow out his candles....

Eating the cake.......


He loved opening his presents but didn't want other kids to help. Mommy and Daddy weren't too pleased with this but I guess it was a little appropriate to bring in the 2's!!! :)
He also loved all of his balloons. A few out of town friends stayed for dinner and Cort and Nicolas had a blast trying to grab the balloons before they hit the ceiling!!

Birthday Boy

Cort's birthday fell on a Friday this year, which was fun because Chris has Friday's off. We started off the day blasting, Happy Birthday, by the Beatles, and making pancakes. We went ahead and put up some of his Car party decorations and he loved it!! Cort had a fun day playing with Daddy while Mommy prepared for this party!!


We let him open up his presents from us when he got up from his nap. He really remembered how to go to it from Christmas and had a blast opening them up ( the car and train wrapping paper helped!!!!)


That night we went to Chuck E. Cheese's. Cort had a blast with all of the games.






He enjoyed a cupcake when we got home. He tried really hard to blow out the candles but wasn't quite strong enough too. He took one bit of the cupcake and then asked for a fork. He ate the whole rest of his cupcake with a fork- silly boy!!!!

2 Years Old

My little boy is 2!! I really just can't believe how quickly time has flown. This year, even more than the 1st year has just gone by so fast!! I feel like he just turned one a few months ago!
I adore him. That's the only way I know to say. He is such a joy and a blessing to us every single day.He is such a sweet, spunky, and full-of-life little boy. I love it when I get a chance to watch him play without him knowing I am there. I just like to soak up every second of him encountering the world.
When I think back to a year ago, it amazes me to see how much he has changed. At his 1 year birthday he was barely trying to take steps, said probably 10-15 words, and was so dependent on us for everything still. Now he runs, speaks more words than I could ever count, and does new things on his own everyday!!!
He's a little chatter box now - always having something to say through out the day. He has started using 3-4 word sentences now. Some of my favorite little things he says are concept things....like how he uses the word or phrases, too, far away, up high, dark, etc. appropriately. I love that he answers yes no questions. This is definitely one of my favorite milestones. He started doing it a few months ago and it opened up a whole new world of communication. It melts my heart when he asks me to sing or to hold him. I love how he talks about friends and family now without being prompted. Almost everyday I am amazed by the connections he'll make between things and/or people.
He is really into letters, counting, and colors. He doesn't know them all but is getting started. He will count along with me to some degree up to about 6 or 7. He mainly knows what number come after another one. He is starting to get colors and does pretty well sorting them or picking them out. Blue is his favorite so it's the go to if he isn't sure. He randomly knows certain letters but nothing to concrete. That doesn't stop him though - he loves to at least pretend to name all of the letters he sees when we are out and about.
His favorite activities are playing with his cars, trains, animals, doing puzzles, crafts, books, and running around outside. He is obsessed with cars. He plays with them in every way possible. I love how excited he gets and exclaims, "Ohhhh, Cars!!!" when ever he sees them. He is really into crafts - all of it....coloring, painting, play-doh, stickers, etc. He is getting really good about actually trying to color in things instead of just scribbling on the page. He is so active. He loves to run around, roughhouse with Chris, dance, etc. If it's movement, he loves it. He is trying to jump now and occasionally get air.
He's a pretty typical toddler when it comes to eating. Some days he eats great and some days he eats nothing!! He takes an afternoon nap everyday for 1 1/2 to 2 hours. He sleeps from about 7pm-7am give or take about 30 minutes. For the most part he is a pretty compliant child but he definitely throws his share of tantrums. He's pretty dramatic and can turn on the tears instantly. He gets the most upset when he gets frustrated about something not going right ( ie. his toys falling over, not working right, etc.) He can be very particular about how he wants to play with things and lets you know right away if you aren't doing it right. He has the "yes ma'am's" down ( even to Chris ;)) and often tries to get out of discipline by repeating it over and over. (really cute but it doesn't work!)
We aren't potty training yet but he is def. starting to show at least some signs of readiness. He'll tell us when he has poo poo or needs to go but it's not always really reliable and is starting to get the concept of dry and wet. He'll sit on the potty sometimes and even go but he prefers not to sit on it with his clothes off so it sort of defeats the purpose. I'm not sure when we will really start trying.
This year has brought on so much change - I love watching him learn and grow every day!!!!

Doctors appt. info:
Height: 34inches(45%)
Weight: 21lbs 2 oz( below the 3rd%)
We think his weight is a little higher but had lost some from being so sick the week before. We'll take him back in a few months to see if it's at least gone up a little bit but we aren't too concerned because he has always followed that trend. He did great at the doctor's and didn't even fuss to have his finger pricked!!!

The chair picture attempts( he doesn't pose for anything now):