Came to My Rescue

For the earlier part of this week, I guess I have been in that mommy mode of " take care of things." I was so thrilled to get in early for the EEG and felt so relieved to be doing something but as the days have passed and we are approaching getting results, I have found myself being anxious, nervous, and down right scared.

Each night I lay sweet Cohen down and I find it hard to walk out of the room. To just leave him there and to not be doing something RIGHT NOW to FIX THIS. To go about my night and get up the next morning like nothing is happening. To not know exactly what he's feeling when it happens. To not be able to stop it.

I've been here before, having no control, just waiting to see what's going to happen. Yes, I've been here before in even a more desperate way. I should know how to do this. To give it to God, to let it go, to trust Him that He is all we need. That He is all Cohen needs.

Yes, I've been here before.

I don't want to be here now.

But I've been here before and found peace.

I am praying for peace now.

I've been here before and felt God's presence.

I am trying to be still.

I've been here before and He came to our rescue.


That song, Came to Our Rescue, has played an intricate part in our story for me. I sang it in worship at church during our pregnancy, praising God for saving us, laying Cohen's life at his feet, it's words bringing hope to my soul as tears would flow from my face. We sang it at Cohen's first Concert, praising God for his desire for perfection, rescuing us from this broken world, and praying that for our son. We sang it at the Concert With Cohen for the very same reasons. And we sang it this morning in church, and it's truth laid heavy on my heart.

Falling on my knees in worship
Giving all I am to seek your face
Lord all I am is yours

My whole life
I place in your hands
God of Mercy
Humbled I bow down
In your presence at your throne

I called you answered
And you came to my rescue and I
I wanna be where you are

In my life be lifted high
In our world be lifted high
In our love be lifted high

He has already rescued us. Years ago on a cross. He has already rescued us. Last year when Cohen's cry filled the OR. He will rescue us now. Even if it's not how we hope.

My whole life I place in your hands. Will your pray that for us? That we lay our WHOLE LIFE in His hands. That I would stop holding Cohen's life in mine. It's too heavy to bare and God never intended for me to bare it. Did he entrust Cohen to us? Yes, he did. But Cohen's life is only to be what God intends it. God is not surprised by any of this. When God saved Cohen last year, He knew that I would be sitting here tonight struggling and wrestling with Him over this. He knew that fear would grip me and He knew that I would once again return to my knees, from where I never should have left.

God is not surprised by this. So he won't be surprised at what tomorrow or the next day brings.

This is from a post I wrote at around 30 weeks in Cohen's pregnancy:

The morning before our regular OB appointment ( two days after the specialist) I was just having such a hard time with the fear and just overwhelmed by all the things we had to do and the decisions we had to make. This OB appointment seemed so important because it was were we were hoping to get some answers about possibilities of future monitoring and delivery decisions. A friend of mine shared a verse with me she came across in a quiet time on New Years Eve.


" You will not leave in a hurry, running for your lives. For the Lord will go ahead of you; yes, the God of Israel will protect you from behind." Isaiah 52: 12


What a great reminder to me of our wonderful God. It is foolish for me to worry about what lies ahead - God is there waiting for me already. If I truly trust in Him and in His love for me, I have no reason to fear - for whatever happens God has gone ahead of me - His way prevails - His way is always better than mine no matter how hard that is to swallow at times. I also often fear looking back and regretting doing or not doing something right for Cohen - again how foolish, God not only goes before me but also protects me from behind. He is my protector from all angles.

How blessed and undeserving are we to serve a God like this?