Where does my Help Come From?

** this is a post I actually wrote in June and am just now getting around to posting it. I'm working on another post about some thoughts right now but wanted to post this one first.

So, I know I haven't written much on the blog and when I have it has just been for information updates. I mentioned in my last post that is was because I was just trying to prioritize some things and spend less time on the computer and that is a huge part of it. But it's also because I just can't seem to get a good grasp on all of my thoughts.
Our computer sits in our kitchen on a little desk in the corner. Our house is very open - I see the computer all the time. It is often work for me not to constantly get on it. I am not a internet surfer or a game player. I am a blog reader - I used to just check in on a few girls I know from college who I wouldn't get to catch up with if it wasn't for blogging. But now - it's different. There is a whole community of women that I connected with during my pregnancy and I just can't leave them. I am anxious to hear about how their days are - how they are coping either as they await the birth of their child and hope to get to hold them for at least a few short minutes, as they await to hear from adoption companies, as they brave another day taking care of their child with special needs, or as they visit the grave site of their lost little ones. These women are spread out all over the country and I may never meet one of them face to face. But I love them all. Most, I hardly even communicate with other then us each checking each other's blogs but they are are always in my heart. Always in my prayers. I believe God put me here for a reason - I don't know them all but I know that He did. I find myself in a state of hesitation often because I walked the same pregnancy journey many of these women did but I am not walking the same journey afterwards. But I do walk beside them in theirs, quietly from afar, perched at a keyboard. I cry for little ones and for them. My heart pleads to God for healing.

Almost 7 months ago now, I was blissfully unaware. This is not something I am proud of but truth be told it is something I sometimes long for. Now, I am not ignorant. I know and have always known that this world is a tough place. In my working years, I worked with sweet children( and their families) who had severe disabilities. I loved my job and the children I spent my days with. I was not blind to the tragedies that fall upon families. I am beyond fortunate that the following statement did not hold true for us, but something changes in you, I think forever, when you hear the words "incompatible with life" as you sit in an ultrasound room. It brings with it knowledge and pain that I wish no mother would bear. But now, I sometimes feel overwhelmed by the knowledge I know hold. I am submerged into this world now where bringing home your baby has a whole new meaning. And it doesn't stop there - Marriages falling apart, businesses in trouble, health issues, the list goes on. We live in a fallen world. My eyes are more open to that now more than ever. I long for a day when I can check all these blogs and words of joy replace the words of pain. I sometimes wish that I could just turn off the computer and never look back. But I cannot. God has put these people, this knowledge in my life. He has put on my heart the call to pray for families- mothers, fathers, little unborn babies that covet our prayers. I am not entitled to be blissfully unaware. Reality is where we live.

In my reality right now, I want to choose to be blissfully aware. Blissfully aware that my help comes from the Lord. I am doing a study right now on the psalms by Beth Moore. ( thanks Emily - it's been great)
Even when I feel alone, despaired, and just sick of the reality I see all around me - My Lord is by my side. He is my protector - my keeper - he never sleeps. A friend of mine and I have recently been talking about needing truth. Just the need to cling to truths we know about God. This isn't always easy. When we see the effects of our fallen world play out over and over again - it's easy sometimes to wonder where God is. A truth that I clung to in my pregnancy and now is that He is God. He is Good and He loves me. I know you've seen me type that million times now. Another truth that I am now trying to cling to - even when i don't always feel it - is that God is right here. He is right here by my side. He is by the side of every mother I have met who has handed their child over to God. He is by the side of every wife hurting. He is by the side of families who are struggling financially, He is HERE. He is not just sitting on His throne watching the earth as if it's projected on His big screen. He is HERE - right here on earth. He NEVER abandons us. I have experienced this in a way that I still sometimes can't believe. I have experience a miracle. But this is not always how he protects us - miracles, healing are not always how he is HERE. I don't pretend to understand. But our God is big - his vision far exceeds ours. I want to choose daily to trust Him as my provider, my keeper, my protector.

A full night's sleep

Yep - Cohen slept through the night last night!! ( still getting a dream feed around 10:30). He actually did it a few nights ago as well. (aug 21st) but that time he got up at about 6:45 and this morning he slept until 7:10. I like the other side of 7 o'clock better!!

it's amazing what a full nights sleep will do.... this morning before naps I ..

*washed two loads of laundry
*folded one load
*cooked, pureed, and froze some fruit for Cohen
* posted on the blog(twice - see below)
* took a walk with the boys and played at the park
* danced all around the house with Cort to Kate's fabulous 5 year birthday CD

All of this in addition to the normal feeding, playing, etc. Move over superwoman!! :)

P.S. Someone might should come check on my kids this evening because I might be passed out before I get them in bed!!!

2 1/2 years old!!!

*** I started this post over a month ago - Cort turned 2.5 on July 11th!!! Better late than never. This is really a way for me to keep tabs on these things he's doing at certain times in his life...it's a bit long. Read if you want.

I can not believe we're on the "other side" of 2!! Heading to 3!! That is weird!!!

It is amazing to me how grown up Cort is now. The transition from 2 to 2.5 has been huge but oh so fun. I love the big jump from making sentences to full out communication. His little voice just makes my heart smile and he always says the cutest things. I say everyday that I need to write something down and then always forget. That makes me sad. Some of the things I love aren't even just what he says but more how he says them. I love the way he says "yes." I don't even know how to describe it but he sort of draws it out and has this "of course" sentiment to it. I also think it's cute that he says, "yes, ma'am" even to Chris. We've been working a lot on using "big boy" or "respectful" words to ask for things instead of fussing and it makes me happy to hear his little voice ask for things with a "may I" and a "please."

His imagination runs rampant. He pretend plays all the time now - carrying on conversations and all sorts of scenario's with his toys or with thin air. I love to sit back and watch him do it. He comes up with the best little scenario's. I love it when he randomly runs our of the room only to return to bring me some "cake" or "french fries"..... or to invite me to go into the jungle or swim in the ocean.

He still just gets so excited about life. I pray that he will always keep that spirit. He has such a fun, silly little nature.

He still loves cars, trucks, and trains but has found a new love for animals. He is particularly fond of elephants. We have a mommy, daddy, and 2 baby elephants and they are almost always at arms length and he is very into feeding them. A time or two I have come out from doing something with Cohen and founds piles of raisins or nuts or something he got out of the pantry to feed the elephants. (working on the "not allowed in the pantry" rule) He has been playing with his little people animals a lot recently and particularly the Noah's arc. He likes to take them in the bath tub and for it to flood and then he lets all the animals out after, "God stops the rain." Whenever we ask him if he wants to thank God for something when we say the blessing he always says, "Yes, rain."

His love for books continues to be strong. I think he would read a million at bed time if we let him. He is very into numbers and letters. He'll count to eleven but always skips the number 3. He can say his alphabet but only identifies a few. His favorite letter is W. I have no idea why. He also is still really into crafts - he colors and paints for extended periods of time.

He is also really into singing right now. It isn't unusual to hear him singing or humming as he sings. He picks up on songs pretty quickly. I love driving around town with his little voice singing in the backseat.

He loves to help me cook right now. As soon as I stand at the kitchen counter he runs to get his chair and says, "I'll help you, Mommy." I have to be really careful not to have things to close to his reach or we end up with all sorts of extra ingredients in our dishes!

We have a plum tree and a blackberry bush in our backyard and he LOVES to pick them and eat them. I mean, this boy can pack in some plums. He calls them, clums, which i don't really correct because I think it's super cute. He has almost lost all of those "doesn't say it quite right words" so I cherish the ones that are still there.

He also loves snacks. We play a game some times where for example I'll ask him, "what do you like better... red or green?..... cows or pigs? ....etc. When I asked him if he liked mac n' cheese or potatoes better he thought for a second and answered, "snacks" - I guess he wanted a "none of the above" choice.

I continue to be amazed at how well he has adjusted to Cohen being around especially since we didn't prepare him for it. He is very sweet with him. He loves to run in his room when he hears him waking up and climb up to see him in the crib. He will voluntarily share his toys with Cohen ( I know i need to enjoy this while it lasts!!!) and he loves to try to help him hold things. He also recently has liked to help him roll over - Mommy's not so sure about that one!! I love it when he's playing and he'll include Cohen in whatever he's doing. He'll say things like, "Look ,this car is red, Baby Cohen." Too cute.


Cort remains a Daddy's boy. He just adores his Daddy and I love it. He imitates what we do all day but he really strives to be like his Daddy.

As far at the terrible twos go - they really haven't been so terrible so far. I know we've got years to go!! For the most part our three biggest struggles are fussing, stalling( this is new), and calming down when he's gotten overly hyper.

Cort - I love you more than you could ever know. I feel privileged to be your mother and love watching you grow everyday. I thank God for you.

5 months old ( Aug. 5th)

These months just seem to fly by!! I can't believe Cohen has crossed into heading to 6 months old.

In Cohen's 5th month he began to roll over from tummy to back(4 mos. and 1 week). He doesn't do this very often and things sort of have to be lined up perfectly but we sure are proud of him He is also lifting his head much better when on his tummy. He will put a little bit of weight on his forearms but not on his hands. His head and trunk control continue to get stronger.

He continues to eat a bit sporadically. Some days he eats so easily and drains his bottle some days getting him to eat is a hug struggle. He's still a great napper and sleeps well at night. He continues to wake between 4 and 5 to eat. Though we would love more sleep, I don't expect him to be able to sleep through the night right now at his size and with him only taking about 3 oz. at a time.
Regardless of how much he eats - he sure has a lot of energy. This boy is always moving. He is the wiggliest little thing ever. You can see in his 5 month picture that his hands are all blurry - this was the only picture where his arms and lets were at least a little bit in focus.

He is still such a easy baby, though he has occasionally started to protest a bit when I put him down or walk away. I think he is starting to hit an age where some of his physical limitations are a little bit frustrating to him.

I really think he is going to end up being a thumb sucker. He hasn't been willing to take a paci for months now and he always has his fingers or thumb in his mouth. He has also really been into playing with his tongue( which you can also tell in his picture).

At 5 months, he almost doubled his birthweight - he's about 10lbs 9oz.


Little side note about his jammies int he pictures - these were my absolute favorite jammies with Cort - they always fit him well and he just looked so cute in them - it warmed my heart to be able to put Cohen in them!!!

Here's Cort in those same PJs - but he was only about 2 months old!!


Here's one of Cort at 5 months...

McGowan Family Beach Trip

Chris' family planned a beach vacation for the summer. They rented the house last fall... before Nov. 7...before Cohen's 20 week ultrasound. They got a house with an extra bedroom so that Cort and Cohen wouldn't both be in our room in case Cohen was still waking up at night. The entire last half of my pregnancy I dreaded the beach trip. We would try to talk about it as being a good thing - a few month's after Cohen's birth we would get an escape..go to the beach... enjoy being there with Cort. I hated thinking about it because all I could think about was the extra room. That we probably wouldn't need it and there it would be. Cort might still sleep in it but we wouldn't have a 4 month old baby in our room making little noises, crying out to be fed....

I can honestly say I have never been so thrilled to have to sleep in the same room with my child!!! We packed up all 4 of us and headed to the beach for a week with Chris' family( parents, sisters and there husbands and kids). I can't believe we got in all in the car with even a little room to spare.

Cort LOVED the beach. I really think he would have stayed on it all day. Our house was very close to the beach so that made it easy coming and going - especially with Cohen. Cohen handled the beach pretty well and would even take a few naps in his little tent while we played with Cort. Chris and I even got away one night to celebrate our 6th wedding anniversary.

The only down side of the trip was that the beach house got struck by lightening and we were with out air condition for several days. There was a master suite upstairs that still had air so we were able to let Cohen nap in the cool air and for Cort to sleep in the little office at the bottom of the stairs that stayed pretty cool. We actually managed pretty well considering. The day before the air got fixed was def. the worst - the refrigerator couldn't even keep up with how hot it was - the milk actually spoiled!!

Cohen's first peek at the beach....


Cort enjoying some Grandmommie time...


The beach was really muddy when the tide would go in. Cort loved running and playing in it!


Cort loved digging holes in the beach and letting them fill up with water. We would find lots of tiny little hermit crabs and he thought that was great.


Cousin Nicolas on the beach

Grandmommie and G-pop got cort a wagon of sand toys and he enjoyed pulling it back and forth to the beach

More of Cohen chilling or sleeping on the beach...


The weather was really great ( other than the storm that knocked our air out!) I love sitting on the porch in the evenings at the beach. Our beach house had a good grass yard and everyone enjoyed playing croquet. Nicolas and Cort loved running around - they were too cute dancing around the yard and imitating each other.

Mommy getting some time with our boys on the porch....


Daddy cuddling with his boys:


For my taste, the water was great. I am not a huge ocean fan even though I love the beach. The water was very calm - not a ton of waves ( the rest of the fam wasn't as thrilled about this as I was) Cort is a little unsure of the water too so it was good for him. The first day or so he spent most of his time in the sand but as the week went on he warmed up and enjoyed the water. He would jump the waves and even let Chris or I take him out a little bit. I didn't get a lot of great pictures trying to balance two at the beach but oh well.
You may remember the boat Chris got for his birthday and how Cort did not particularly enjoy trying it out so you can imagine my surprise when Cort fearlessly joined Chris in the boat in the ocean.






Nicolas and Cort crabbing with their dad's...


Gotta have cars even on the beach...


We were joined by elephants for breakfast every morning on the porch....

Spotting Dolphins...


Mommy and Daddy's night out...

Many thanks to Chris' parents for so graciously inviting us all to the beach for a week. It was great!!!

Forth of July

So here's the first of some catch up posts:

We were busy packing for the beach on the forth so we didn't really do anything too exciting.
Cort helped me make some cookies to take the beach and he really enjoyed it. In fact, it has sparked a new interest - he loves to help me in the kitchen now. Most of the time this is great because things I used to have to do in the kitchen during his nap or while having him entertained by something else are now things we can do together as an activity. Cort has helped me make plum bread, apple plum butter( we have a plum tree in our back yard), Amish bread, and many dinners.



Enjoying his labor...


We didn't get any firecrackers this year except for sparklers but our neighbor across the street did and we got Cort up to enjoy them. Well, our idea was that he would enjoy them....

He loved the sparklers and running around the yard with Brooklyn. And then the load noises began.... He managed to handle one or two just by running close to me but then that was it and he demanded to go inside.



We watched from inside for a while and he kept getting farther and farther away from the front glass door. He decided he wanted to try going back out but he wanted to wear Daddy's headphones. That didn't work either. Chris then took him up to the bonus room to let him look out of a second floor window...a few seconds into that Cort proclaimed that he was ready to go night, night! Enough 4th of July for him!!!


Just a cute one of Cohen on the 4th...