Too Tightly

Trusting God. It seems so silly that this is even something I still struggle with. I mean really, after having trusted God with Cohen's life when everyone was telling us there was no life to come, why does it not just come easily as we move forward from that?

I worry. A lot. I can say that worrying by far has probably been one of my biggest struggles in my walk with God. Not giving things over to Him. Trying to control each and every little detail of my life. EVERY little detail. Over the past years, I've actually gotten a little better. I've let go of the grip I had on a lot of things. Loosened up a little bit. Two things in recent past that certainly made a profound impact on how much control I tried to take and how much I worried about things were when Chris left his engineering job to go on staff at our church in the summer of 2007 and the 2nd half of Cohen's pregnancy. First, the whole process of God leading us to take the position at the church was a great one for me. God taught me a lot about trusting my husband and trusting Him. Normally, something that was that big of a change would have really had my stomach all in knots but I had such a peace about it all. It was a process that took several months of talking it through, praying, seeking God in it all. God taught me a little about waiting on him, not being anxious, and just being. From the moment we finally decided to make the change, I felt a freedom, even just in day to day things that I really never experienced before. It was perhaps my first real experience with really just "letting go and letting God". Not easy to admit when I have been a Christian for 19 years!!!

Then, just about 3 months later, we had Cohen's 20 week ultrasound. Talk about things being out of your hands. Don't get me wrong, i had moments of trying to figure out some way to fix it or make it more tolerable... I had moments of anger at the way God was letting things happen... I had just about every possible emotion you can think of. But man, was there a peace and a sweetness about that time becuase it was just us and God. No website, doctor, friend, theologian, song, family, was going to change what they were telling us. Many or all of those things played a vital role in helping us through that horrible time but it was God who held us. It was God who helped me let my feet hit the floor every morning and my eyes to close for at least a few hours of restful sleep every night. It was God who placed the right people at the right time in our lives, it was God who knew exactly what my daily tears were for, it was God who heard my prayers even when I couldn't let my lips say them one more time... and it was God who surrounded us with protection and peace the night that Cohen was born, and oh yes, it was God who saved my son. I don't know how to put into words exactly what it feels like to carry a life literally inside you but yet to hold that life out with open arms to our true God for him to take. I don't know how we did it, but we did - only by the sweet, sweet Grace of our Lord. And that night Cohen was born, I believe God picked up my son, kissed his little forehead and for reasons we may never know, put him back in my arms.

And I have held on way to tightly ever since.

I have spent countless minutes, days, hours, weeks, months, worrying about Cohen and his development. Worrying about his medical care, his therapies, his nutrition, and wondering if we're giving him the best care possible. Watching every little thing he does and doesn't do and analyzing what that means. Worrying about how we'll parent him in the best way possible.

Give me one little ounce of control and I take it a mile.I learned so much about not needing to know answers or even the" reasons why" during my pregnancy and I have to fight daily not to let that all go out the window. I have so let the state of things on a daily basis control my mood, steal my joy, and lead to anger and frustration when things aren't "up" instead of finding all of my contentment in God. All of the sudden, the not knowing plagues me. Not knowing what life will look like for Cohen one month, 1 year, 5 years from now.

I'm fighting change tooth and nail just because I don't know what it means we're going to look like on the other side. It's pointless - everything about our life has changed. But that's not all a bad thing just different and sometimes it scares me. I want it to excite me - excite me that God isn't just leaving us where we are. That God has plans for us.

So I'm praying and practicing giving Cohen back to God... holding him out with open arms.... trusting that my sweet Savior is enough for me, for us, and for Cohen. Trusting that tomorrow is His to decide and all for His Glory. Enjoying the sweet, sweet blessing that God has bestowed upon us today.


This I declare of the LORD: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I am trusting him. Psalm 91:2

That is why we have a great High Priest who has gone to heaven, Jesus the Son of God. Let us cling to him and never stop trusting him. Hebrews 4:14

For if we are faithful to the end, trusting God just as firmly as when we first believed, we will share in all that belongs to Christ. Hebrews 3:14

Cort's #3 party

* sorry for the underlines can't get it to go away!!!

Just wanted to get Cort's bday party post up for my own sake. We had a dinosaur party and he had a blast!!! We had about 10 of his little friends over and I was really nervous it was going to be too many but everyone had a blast and it all went super smoothly.

We played pin the horn on the triceratops, made our own dinosaurs, and played dinosaur simon says. The kids were all super cute doing the actvities.


Cake as always was a big favorite among the little ones. I have made all of Cort's bday cakes and really enjoy doing it.




Cort got lots of fun things from his oh, so generious friends. Thanks everybody!!!



And this is the best picture I got of the birthday shirt we made for Cort. 3 triceratops - each one getting bigger and clearer to the number 3.

Way to go Cohen!!!!

Cohen ate 5 puffs today all on his own!!!(nevermind the 20 or more that are on the floor :))He picked them up, put them in his mouth, gummed them around and swallowed. This might seem silly to most of you but this is HUGE for us. He has not finger fed at all up until this point. He has eaten some things other than purees but only soft things and typically when we put anything a little hard in his mouth he spits it right out. He doesn't have a pincer grasp yet so he sort of just rakes and waits till he gets lucky but it's a good start that's for sure!!!
My camera battery was dead....I plugged it in and got just enough charge to grab a few pictures but he was sort of done with it all by then. And the camera wasn't focusing really well.

gumming a puff....


laughing at Cort....( yes, Cort lined up all those puffs so perfectly on the edge)
I'm done mom, sorry.....

A few other big deals for us... Cohen can finally roll to his back from his tummy and he is so happy about this - as are we. This is a skill that he did at a young age and lost so it's always been a bit worrisome to me. I am super proud of him. I found him on his back in his crib( after I knew he was on his belly) a few times the weekend of Cort's bday( the 11th) and then that monday(10 months, 1 week) he started doing it all the time.

Also he has been babbling up a storm. This has def. been something I have really let myself get over worried about.( working on a whole post about that right now!) He cooed, laughed, and even made his first constant 2 syllable coo sound on time but he has not really been babbling or making other consonant sounds. Cort had his first word at 9 months so for me this all just seemed so late. Well, the same weekend he started rolling over, he started babbling. Within days of me talking a lot with Chris about my concerns with his verbal skills,( and totally convincing myself we would end up with a 3rd therapy!!) he babbled every possible sound in the car one day. It was super cute and I just had to laugh( hear you loud and clear God - thanks!!) He babbles all the time now and I of course love it.

All of my background with child development and special needs is certainly helpful with Cohen at times but I can be my own worst enemy too.... Constant struggle to keep it all in check and stay a little grounded.

10 Months and 3 years old

10 Months




I can't believe that both of my boys are getting so old!!!!! Cort just turned 3 and Cohen turned 10 months old - just 2 months shy of a whole year!!!!!! I'm finally getting around to their posts - scroll on through and enjoy the pics(mainly of Cohen as Cort is never still enough for pictures these days!!!) or join me as I document things I want to remember.....

Cohen's had a good month. We have seen a lot of physical improvements this month. He began to push up on his hands instead of just his elbows at the beginning of this month and as the month progressed he has even become brave enough to try to grab at and play with toys while propped on one hand. While being active on his tummy he still labors a little harder to breath, he has found that he is quite comfortable on the tummy to sleep. This has def. become his preferred sleeping position. We have also finally stopped swaddling him at night and rotate between not using anything and sometime using a wearable blanket depending on how warm his jammies are.
Although he still isn't sitting, he continues to get stronger and stronger through his trunk and really enjoys playing while sitting supported. And while he still requires support to sit, the amount of support required has decreased by a good bit. I can hold him just at the hips a little and he does well. He has even bent down to pick up a toy and come back to sitting position. He also sits up pretty well in my lap sometimes without any direct support.

This was Cohen's first full month off oxygen and he has done great. At the end of this month, they picked up his oxygen supplies( on his 10 month birthday !) Yea - no more tape, loud machines, night time fights to put it on, having to keep the door open because of how much heat the machine puts out, and hopefully we'll see a drop in the electric bill! We still continue to check his oxygen with a monitor.

He has continued to have a pretty increased interest in toys and in fact has become quite the little protester if he drops a toy or if he take it from him! I think this month has been the first time we have started to see him a bit frustrated by his limitations. He still loves a lot of the same things - books, stuffed animals, piano, keys, animal/alphabet spinning ball, kick toy, and play gym. Some new favorites thanks to Christmas are the fisher price rockstar, this adorable little peacock, activity cube, and this little loopy clutch toy( I have no idea what to call it), and his swing( thought it's been a bit too cold to use it too much). He is getting better and better about manipulating his toys.



He started turning pages in books and it's so cute. He has to transfer the page from one hand to the other to reach and I love that he's figured out how to do that!
He loves finger play games and songs like itsy bitsy spider and such. He can't do the movement but things it's funny when I do his hands for him.

Eating has gone pretty well this month. He is getting about 4 bottles a day and one at night. We don't give him the dream feed anymore and that has gone pretty well. We've still had a few stints of him waking up twice at night but for the most part it's just once. The night he turned 10 months old he slept from 7:30 to 7:30 but only that one time and I guess that counts more in the 11th month.
The 2 biggest changes this month with eating is that we've had to start supplementing with formula and eating more solid foods. He gets about half and half now of formula and bmilk- my body just wasn't keeping up anymore. It took a little while to get him used to the formula but he's doing well with it now.
He is still mainly eating purees for substance but I've been able to make them even thicker and chunkier and he has started eating some other things hear and there - not a lot of quantity but at least a taste or a few bites. He doesn't finger feed at all so it's just stuff I give him off the spoon or put in his mouth. He'll actually yell for it sometimes - like the night I was picking a rotisserie chicken to make some chicken salad or the day we were all eating chicken salad over Christmas - apparently he's a poultry fan - he really liked both of them. He also likes and has had(not pureed).. apples, green bean, peas, peaches, cheese, banana, teething biscuits, wagon wheels( though he's not a big fan), and bread. He only takes a few bites of these things but it's a start.

Silly Cohen


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3 years old

I really can't believe that I 'm doing Cort's 3 year post. It seems like just yesterday that I was still documenting with little monthly updates!!
There is absolutely no baby left in this boy. He has fully embraced boyhood and it's pretty stinkin' cute!!

I really don't know where to start in trying to sum up Cort at 3. He is wild and silly, sweet and thoughtful, inquisitive and curious, creative and imaginative, and sometimes a little sneaky and manipulative ;)!!

He is so silly these days. He'll do anything to get a laugh and absolutely loves laughing - I mean the fall on the floor, hysterical type. It's so cute and I just love it. He's become so imaginative - telling stories, searching for the dinosaur that's on the loose in our house, or going to the "zoo" in our backyard. Every night we have to tell purple tiger stories - i don't really even know how they got started but there is a purple tiger that lives in our backyard and he and Cort go on daily adventures. I love this creative type playing and he does too. It'll keep him occupied far longer then most store bought toys. He still loves cars and has had an increasing fascination with dinosaurs( the theme of this year's party). He also loves doing crafts, reading books and puzzles. He has recently really gotten into playing games as well. I love this new stage of playing - where there are things that we can really do together but he's independent enough that I don't do it all for him. He still loves music and loves to sing.



It's crazy to me how in one year's time we can mover from 3 and 4 words sentences to full out conversations and the newly arrived question phase. I mean we are in the "why?" stage full swing!!! ... Why? Because he asks a lot questions. Why? Because he's curious. Why?Because he's learning new things. Why? You get the point. :)
I love how he picks up on adult words and uses them correctly (and incorrectly sometimes). His current one is "actually" like in this little monologue Cort gave us while making Jesus' birthday cake on Christmas Eve - actually with the correct usage:

" we're going to make this cake, and sing happy birthday, and eat it and get a messy face. But Jesus won't get a messy a face cause actually Jesus won't be there and we'll eat his cake for him. Mary and Joseph too."

I love how even with such a silly side that he can be so serious as he concentrates to try tries to learn and figure out new things.I love seeing how his little mind works and the new connections he makes daily - and I swear you can sometimes visually see his little mind trying to make new connections.

A few weeks ago, while Chris was putting Cort to bed, Cort asked him," who's that walking?" We have hardwoods in our hallway and he can usually hear one of us walking down the hall but I wasn't home that evening so Chris told him no one was walking and Cort lay back down. He immediately sat up again and said "there it is again, who's that walking?" Chris doesn't know what he's hearing but then asks him if he only hears it when he lays back down( on Chris' chest...) Cort said yes. He was hearing Chris' heartbeat and thought it was someone walking down the hallway. He was quite intrigued by this and the next morning had to hear everyone's heartbeat including Cohen's.

As far as a few new skills... he's getting better with letter recognition though he does better choosing the letter than naming it. He can count objects up to 13 without any problem and up to 20 from time to time or with a little help. He can recognize his and Cohen's name. He is quite impressed with the fact that they both have an "C' and a "O." He can draw a little bit - like stick figures or simple shapes. He "draws" lots of other things and then tells me what it is. ( glad he shares and I'm not left guessing ;)) He's starting to pick up on rhyming a little bit and he gets a good many opposites. He's got a good many books memorized and will "read" them to us. He definitely gets that letters makes words and that the print in books say something.
He's recently really in to concepts like yesterday, tomorrow, next week, etc. He uses some of it correctly but it's really cute when he mixes it up. He also does this with older and younger. For instance, he'll say Daddy, when you get younger like me.... too cute.

He absolutely adores his Daddy and wants to do all things like him. I just love watching them play and spend time together.




Overall, he's a pretty obedient kid though I can see that 3 might be a little tougher on us then 2. I mentioned before that he's really silly and he knows how to try to use this to get out of doing something we ask or to avoid discipline. He has perfected stalling and has even started lying a little bit ( ie. Mommy said I could,etc.) It is crazy to me how this sin nature really is just present in their little hearts. Our prayer is that we are able to teach him God's love and truths and actually reach his little heart instead of just trying to make him behave.

He still takes an afternoon nap and sleeps about 10-11 hours at night. Still an early riser - between 6:30 and 7 most mornings. He's totally potty trained but not night timed trained.

His 3 year old stats are 25lbs 1oz and 36 inches tall. We're still working with the doctors about some of his growth stuff.

I have loved being Cort's mommy for the past three years and I can't believe how possible it is to love him more and more everyday!!




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And here's some Cohen's 9 months pictures that we took ourselves and I promised to post .... I didn't have time to get them up before Christmas. I'm pretty happy with how they turned out...

Happy New Year... a little late!!!

Happy New Year all my blogging friends.

I have to say our family is much more excited about going in to this new year than we were last year. Though our future certainly still holds so many unknowns - it was a little easier ringing in 2009 then 2008( in fact - I don't think we rang anything in last year - i think we went to sleep around 10)!!

I remember entering 2008 just so unsure of what that year would mean for us and how we would always look back on THAT year...or our story of 2008. How blessed we are to have the 2008 story we have!!! As we move forward, still settling into this new life for us, I can honestly say that I wouldn't change a second of 2008 - even everything leading up to his birth. There are still things that certainly didn't go the way I planned or how I would have had them go, and some things I am still trying to swallow and get a handle on but I know my sweet God is all over all of it and that's all I really need to know. ( If you guys want to remind me of that every so often that might be helpful some days!!!)

We've kicked the new year off well with a little early spring cleaning and getting organized in the house. I love getting organized but I have to admit, I'm not the best at staying organized!!! We'll see how this year goes!!

Cohen turned 10 months old today (his post will have to come a little later- sorry) and to celebrate.. AirCare just came by to pick up all his oxygen supplies!!!!!! WHOO HOOO!!!! I think. I'm a little nervous - I've gotten sort of use to knowing it's there if I needed it!! We still have his monitor but he's been holding strong off of the oxygen. He dips a little bit when we first put him to bed at night but is still within the safe range. Hopefully it'll stay there.

Cort turns 3 this coming weekend and I just can't believe it!!! We're gearing up for DINO-mite birthday party!!!

I have to pat ourselves on the back a little for the above family pic. We took it ourselves after having scheduling conflicts, or maybe I should say weather conflicts with our photographer. Not nearly as good of a job as Kim does but not to bad if we do say so ourselves. We took some sweet ones of Cohen too that I'll share in his upcoming post.

Hope you all have a great start to your new year and praying for many, many blessing for you all.

Christmas Catch up

We had a great Christmas. We were so pleased with staying home for Christmas morning this year instead of traveling. It was great to wake up in our own home, start our own traditions, and enjoy just being a family of FOUR!!!!

We continued with a family tradition of mine of giving the boys Christmas Jammies to sleep in christmas eve (we went with ones with just Christmas colors so they could wear them longer). After suiting up in the jammies we took a little ride to look at Christmas lights. Cort really enjoyed this.

A half-way happy Christmas Eve picture.....


After we got home, we read the full Christmas Nativity advent book with Cort and added Baby Jesus to the nativity.

The boys actually slept in a little which was a great Christmas present to Mom and Dad!!! When Cort woke up we brought him to bed with us and read the Christmas story out of the Bible. Cohen was still sleeping so we actually went ahead and let Cort come out and play with some of his presents first. It was nice to get some one on one time with him. Cohen joined us shortly and they both enjoyed all the festivities. We sang Happy Birthday to Jesus and enjoyed a birthday cake we had made for Him on Christmas day. Cort was so excited all week about the cake and kept talking about getting a "messy face with Jesus' cake." He also kept asking if Jesus would have a messy face too. After explaining how Jesus wouldn't actually being eating the cake with us he kept saying that he would "actually eat Jesus' cake for him and get a messy face." Too cute.

Eating Jesus' bday cake....

Enjoying the presents. I love that Cort loves his stocking because that was always my favorite growing up...


Cohen enjoying his loot...
Cort Helping Cohen open his stocking.....
Cort on his new bike!!!! He's so grown up!!!


I know it'll take us a few years to refine our family traditions and what works best for us. We're striving our best to make sure Cort and Cohen grow up really understanding the true purpose behind Christmas.

We traveled home to Columbia to visit with all our family for a few days later that day. We had a good time with all the family and Cort really enjoyed playing with his cousins this year. He still got a little overwhelmed with all the gift giving but I think everyone is slowly cutting back so that's good. I really didn't get very many pictures once we got home - things were just so hectic but we got to spend time with both side of our family and to see all our grandparents so that was great. My Me-Maw and Paw-Paw were staying with my mom and Dad so we got a lot of great time with them the whole time we were there. We were so thankful to have both my Paw-Paw and Cohen spending this Christmas with us - a surprise to both of their doctors!!! On that note, please continue to pray for my Paw-Paw as he continues to battle cancer and for my mom as she continues to care for and make the best decisions for them.

A little overwhelmed....( don't worry - these weren't all for him... just most of them.)

Cohen with Grandmommie, loving the wrapping paper....

Cohen checking out one of his new favorite things.... books!!!!

What a very special Christmas for us to celebrate as a family... Cohen's first Christmas of hopefully many..... thanking God for all of our blessings and most of all for His son.