On the way to the hospital

FYI-this is Miranda Carson posting on behalf of the McGowans...any updates I receive from here on out I will post to this site so that you all will know what is going on with them until they are ready to start posting again.

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Please pray for the McGowans-they are on the way to the hospital as a write this, possibly for a C-Section tonight.  Just yesterday Emily's blood pressure registered high at her regular check up, and her swelling has been getting worse.  She borrowed a monitor from friends and checked herself today, and it went up even higher, something like 142/90 I believe.  So the doctor saw her again today at 1:00.  Apparently something in her bloodwork came back "not good"  (Sorry, I don't have any specifics and have barely spoken with Emily), they called her 4-ish this afternoon and they ordered her to go straight to the hospital.  

Just this morning I was reminded of a verse from Jeremiah 32:17:  AH LORD GOD!  BEHOLD, YOU HAVE MADE THE HEAVENS AND THE EARTH BY YOUR GREAT POWER AND BY YOUR OUTSTRETCHED ARM!  NOTHING IS TOO DIFFICULT FOR YOU.  

Please join me in praying for the McGowans and for Cohen's little body--that God would choose to heal him and give him long life--it is NOT too difficult for God.  Please pray for Chris and Emily right now that they will have clear minds and peaceful hearts to make quick decisions and to wait on God and His perfect plan for Cohen's life.  

36 week appointment

We had our 36 week appointment today. I as 36 weeks on Monday. When we went to the doctor last week my fluid levels were borderline and they had been decreasing every week. This was definitally making me a little nervous. Today they had held at the same level so we were grateful that they hadn't dropped anymore. The ultrasound was good today. It was just the 2D one but he was cooperative and we got to see him move a little and even suck on his hand some. The Ultrasound technician was so nice - she put the ultrasound on DVD without us even asking her to. I made her cry because it was just harder to see him today. I guess as we get closer the reality of what might happen just comes to the surface more. He was so cute trying to suck on his hand. It's hard to think I might not get to see him do that here. She told us she was praying for us and that she admired us for what we were doing. It's a really nice thing to say but it makes me sad that it's really all that admirable - meaning it makes me sad that this wouldn't be the norm - that so many others choose to do this differently. The time we have with Cohen so far is something we would never trade for anything. I know so many doctors pressure women into terminating early and my heart breaks for them. I am so thankful of how supportive our doctors have been.
I don't think I updated about our specialist appointment last week. They didn't get a great look at his broken arm but either believe it to have healed or that it was possibly never totally fractured - maybe just a really severe bowing. We were glad of that news.
My c-section date is three weeks from this coming Friday. It will be March 21 at 1:00pm if I make it until then. Three weeks seems like so long to get to meet him but so short of a time to have left with him for sure. Please pray that I make it to the c-section date. Pray for us as we try to tie up lose ends and make arrangements for that time.

A Little about Cort

So, I feel a little guilty about my lack of posts about Cort. Life is so busy right now and adding that with a very busy little boy means not a lot of picture taking these days. For the most part I get the back of his head as he is running away. Here are a few recent tidbits about Cort that I didn't want to forget:

* He is very into his colors and knows most of them now. He still mixes yellow and orange - well he always gets orange right but often calls yellow orange. And me mixes red and pink sometimes. He's a pro at blue, green, brown, white, and black.

* He sings a lot these days. To go along with the color fixation he loves the rainbow song and can sing most of it when he chooses. He's getting pretty good at his abc's - but does best with the ending and the middle. Don't know why the beginning seems to pass him by. He's also pretty into the Itsy Bitsy Spider. Car rides are so cute these days as I am often serenaded with songs.

* I love the way he is starting to carrying on conversations. We can ask him things like, "what did you do at school today?" and he is actually starting to tell us. Too fun.

* Playdoh may be the top new toy. He loves it. Sometimes he wants to make things and other times he wants to sort the colors and stack the containers. He really likes to make sure he puts the right color in the right container based on the tiny traces of doh left in them.

* Funny comment - A few weeks ago we went by Chris' work and Cort and I told Cort it was time to go home and play. He looked at Chris and said, " Daddy Play?" Chris said, "No, Mommy will play, Daddy has to work." Cort promptly looked at me and said, " No, Daddy play, Mommy work." I guess it could have hurt my feelings but instead it just seemed so cute!!!

* We have had 2 knock out tantrums in public over the past month. The first one was in Target and I still don't know what it was about. Three people actually looked at me and just said, "WOW!" as I was walking out of the store with my screaming child. The second was just yesterday at Chic-fil-a. We met our friends Kelley, Sophie and Foster there for lunch. Cort went up into the slides and tunnels for the first time and had an absolute blast. He did not have a blast when it was time to go. He was hysterical. I got caught on the bench by kids putting there shoes on and just had to sit there with my screaming, flailing child. I had warned him it was the last time he going down so as he screamed he kept saying, "Last time, last time." He pulled it together as I was finally free to go and then knocked over my sprite which fell on the ground and on a poor little boy. It didn't really get him all that wet but still - i was completely mortified. I was totally that parent - the one everyone was thinking wicked, horrible things about since I apparently couldn't control my 2 year old child!!! Though, find me a parent that always can and I'll sign up for parenting classes with them. Kelley was a good sport seeing that by association, she was probably getting the evil eye too!. Over eight month's pregnant with a flailing 2 year old - what a picture. Cort is usually so laid back but when he decides he doesn't like something and wants you to know there is no holding back. Self-control is def. our weak point.

Some long over due pics:

At the Park:






With Walker:



Bounce House Inside Logan's House - great fun!!:



Before the big Chic-fil-a Melt down( Doesn't he look tiny inside this slide?):

Playing with Daddy's hats:

Playgroup coloring:

Sorting the Play-doh and evidence of a need for a haircut( which we got yesterday!!)

Amazing

(click on the program to read it)
I don't think this post will ever do justice to the night we held Cohen's concert. It could not have been any more than it was. Chris and I are overwhelmed, not only from the support we received but for the peace that God gave us through it all and for the way that our God was worshiped that night. Sometimes in walking through this journey, I feel God so close and other times God feels very far away. Friday night, I believe I could have almost touched Him.

I first want to give an overview for people who prayed for us from afar and weren't able to be there. Chris really poured his heart into this and prayerfully made each small decision about how the night should go. Everything down to the trivial candles in the lobby came together in an unbelievable way.




We didn't count but by estimation and other people's opinion we believe there were around 150 to 200 people there. We were so touched by all who showed up to love on us, Cohen, and to worship God. Seven songs were played - here was the set list:

Rest For the Weary - Cool Hand Luke
Came to my Rescue - Hilllsong United
Lord Let Your Glory Fall - Matt Redman
Til I See You - Hillsong United
Wonderful King - passion
Always - Chris McGowan
Night Must End - Sleeping At Last

Chris carefully picked each song to play for God and for Cohen. It was important for us for people to understand that this was not an early memorial service. This was a celebration of Cohen's life, a celebration of our wonderful God, and a celebration of the gift of music that Chris wants to share with his children.







We played a video after the first song to introduce people to Cohen. We wanted people to meet who they were praying for. We wanted people to know he is already a blessing and a miracle. I will try to post it to the blog as soon as I can.

We had asked one of our pastors to speak on prayer for 5 - 10 minutes during the service. He did a wonderful job and so willingly allowed God to just use him to speak His truth.
He spoke from Romans 8: 18-28. The scriptures seemed to leap off the page and settle in our hearts.


We had some corporate prayer. During one song, a friend of ours led the crowd in some specific prayer requests we gave him and at another time we had a a time of "free" prayer where we just invited people to pray individually, in groups, or with us. It was amazing. I felt so blessed to have people who love the Lord genuinely praying over us and Cohen. We would love continued prayer and here are our prayer requests:

1) Pray that God would heal Cohen.
2) Pray that if it is not God’s intention to heal Cohen, that He would protect him through the rest of
pregnancy and birth, and that we would have the opportunity to hold him alive.
3) Pray that God would give us strength and protect our hearts as we walk through this time,
and that we would respond to God honestly and with trust regardless of God’s plan for Cohen’s life.
4)Pray that we would trust God and cling to Him even if we and others don’t understand His
full purpose in this.
5) Pray that Cohen’s life , our faith, and the faith of those supporting us would glorify
God and allow those who may not know God to see Him.
6) Pray that God’s power, love, and sovereignty would be evident to all who are involved in this difficult
time.

We also had Cohen's box there. It's a box Chris and I got for him when we first found out about his disorder to keep all of the cards, emails, and words of encouragement in. We brought the box and people wrote prayers and letters for Cohen.




God was with us that night. He was in that room and I hope He was pleased. Believers united in prayer and in worship of Him in a way that I have not experienced in a while.




Cohen loved it. He didn't stop moving to the music and would often kick the hands of people praying for him and praising God.

I was so pleased for Chris as he really poured his heart into this. I was so pleased that God allowed that night to be exactly as we hoped for and more.

We are so thankful to everyone who helped us make it happen. It meant so much to Chris to have the guys he had playing with him there for God and Cohen.

Chris and I left that night feeling a peace that I almost wasn't expecting. A peace that we serve such a powerful God and just as the song, Let your Glory Fall, says, "You(God ) are Good and Your love endures." And we left from that night, not sad that it was over, or afraid of what is coming, but knowing our God is good and he loves us. And that will be enough.

First things First

Ok - I know you all want an update on the concert and I will work on that post next but I first feel I owe an update on how things went when we went to the funeral home a few weeks ago. I so very much appreciate everyone's prayers and I am so sorry that I have been delayed in posting about it. I actually wrote a long post last week about it and blogger wouldn't publish and I somehow managed to lose the post. Bummer.
Chris and I are continued to be amazed at how God protects us and goes before us. Needless to say we were dreading the funeral home appt. We didn't want to go but just felt we needed to. I was terrified that we would be pressured into making final decisions that we just aren't ready to make - terrified that somehow it was like we were giving up and failing our son. Our God is good. We went to the appointment and met with a lady named Jennifer. She was very nice and not at all pushy. We were there for probably about and hour and a half. We were not only not forced to make final arrangements, we weren't really even expected to. We received all the information we need to plan and prepare as much as we decide to but she will meet is in the hospital if or when the time arises and we can share our decisions then. This felt so much better somehow- just that Cohen doesn't have a funeral arrangement completely written up and filed. She took simple information that seemed normal and natural and provided us with what we needed. In the end I was almost even glad that we went - she was able to bring up some things that we probably wouldn't have thought of and if the time arises wouldn't have been able to pull together last minute. Chris and I talked later that day about how it seemed so strange to do that one morning and to leave unbroken. Some would call it adrenaline. We call it God.
That afternoon I received a letter in the mail from a girl I know from college. We don't see or speak often but somehow God used her for me that day. Chris and I were struggling so much with the balance of preparation and faithfulness. We felt a bit faithless going to the funeral home and we felt a bit like our faith was not where it needed to be because we would always qualify our belief that God could heal Cohen with the statement that we know he may not and therefore continue with preparations in case he does not. In the letter, she wrote of the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego. It is always amazing to me how the scriptures can speak to you a million times over. Here is this story that we learned at a young age in children's Bibles but I needed someone to point it out to me for me to hear God in it for this time in my life. Nebuchadnezzar throws the three into the furnace and their response is this,
" If to be so, our God Whom we serve is able to deliver us from the furnace of blazing fire, and He will deliver us out of you hand, O king. But even if he does not, let it be known to you, O king, that we are not going to serve your gods or worship the golden image you have set up." Daniel 3:17-18

God does deliver them. Their faith that God can is enough. They know he may not and their hearts choose to worship God anyway. That is were we are. We could walk into that funeral home and walk out unbroken because our faith rests in a God that is real. It rests in a God that is sovereign and and a God that can heal. It rests in a God that is good and that loves us. We walked out unbroken because we do have hope. It doesn't mean all our days are easy - it doesn't mean I never fear but it means we have hope - hope that God's way will always prevail.

The hospital tour was also good for us. Some things had changed since Cort was born in a good way and it allowed us to have a better picture of how things might go that day.

I again want to thank everyone for their prayers and support. We feel it.

update soon

I promise I'll update soon! Blogger gave me trouble all weekend and yesterday. It seems to be working today so  I am going to try to get updates up today or tomorrow but thought I'd let you guys know it was coming. 

Concert for Cohen

*** I'll leave this post up until the date of the concert - scroll down to see more current posts.

Chris and I have planned a prayer concert for Cohen on Friday. Feb. 15th at 8:00pm. As the invitation says, anyone who wants to be there is welcome to come. We appreciate every one's prayers and would love to have a community of believers gathered together to pray for Cohen. This night holds significance for us on a few levels. First, as I mentioned, to unite in prayer and to worship God. But also, this is something we can do for Cohen right now, while he is alive if God chooses not to heal him. Music is Chris' passion. He has always desired to share it with our children. He and a few of his buddies will be playing a mix of praise songs and other music that he has chosen to play for Cohen that night.
If you can't join us in person, we welcome your prayers.

The Circus

We took Cort to the circus the weekend before last. We weren't sure if it was going to be the best year to do it or if we should wait another year but Chris really wanted to give it a try. I am so glad we did. Cort was memorized by it all. He just sat in our laps staring at everything the whole time. He would occasionally pull his eyes away to look at us, point, and tell us what he was seeing. His favorite parts were the elephants, bikes, cars, and the trapeze.
He saw an elephant at the preshow and so asked for elephants marching the whole time. They were the last part of the show so it was a great way to end the event for Cort.


Watching the Elephants March

The Elephants

Daddy and Cort

The Bikes!

Memorized
The Cars!

Mountains

A few weeks a go we went to the mountains for the day to see Chris' parents. They were staying for a weekend. Cort had a blast with Grandmommy and Gpop. It was also a great little break for Chris and I just to get away for the day. Don't know how I managed to got any pics of Cort with the Grandparents!!!

Tuesday

Thanks to all of you who prayed for us yesterday. It was a good day. We started with our pregnancy pictures that morning and we had a really good time. The photographer and his assistant were so nice and we really had fun while we were there. Turns out his assistant goes to our church so that was a fun connection. I really wouldn't have normally done the pictures but I am so glad we did. It was a great experience and I am really looking forward to seeing the pictures and having them as a great keepsake from this pregnancy.

The doctors appointment also went well. We had another ultrasound and my fluid levels were still good. They are in the lower range but we were able to talk through this and the doctor isn't worried about them all - they would have to drop pretty significantly from where they are now before they would be alarmed so that made me feel good. We had a good time seeing him. He had his little toes touching his nose so that was sort of funny. We could see his eye open and close and he kept opening his mouth and moving his tongue around! The ultrasound technician was really nice and she tried to get a good look at his arm bone but since it was just 2D we really couldn't tell how it looked. I am measuring a little small on my belly but my weight had increased so things look good there. We are so thankful we are getting to have these ultraounds weekly and getting to see him so much.

Thanks again for your prayers. Today is an "off" day and I am just spending it with Cort.

Next week

Next week holds a lot.
Tuesday morning we will be doing pregnancy pictures through an organization called Now I Lay me Down to Sleep.
Tuesday afternoon we will have a doctor's appointment.
Thursday morning we have a meeting with a funeral home.
Friday we are taking a hospital tour specific to our situation.

Each holds it's own struggles. The pictures because I didn't do them with Cort. They have never really interested me but I just feel like it's a way to celebrate Cohen's life now but it is strange to me to do things differently with him.

The doctor's appointment is a struggle mainly because for me it's the marker of another week gone. And while I long to see Cohen's face, each passing day sometimes feels so heavy. I often think, " why can't I just stay pregnant - that way I don't risk losing him - I never have to say goodbye."

Thursday and the funeral home. I guess it doesn't seem to need explanation as to why this is hard but it does. Chris and I are doing lots of things in preparation for Cohen's birth. Sometimes it feels good even though it isn't they way we would like to be preparing - like his Birth plan. We met last week with our support counselor( have I told you about the awesome non-profit group here? next post) to walk through our birth plan. Writing it was hard in a way because it certainly isn't the birth plan we ever imagined writing - lots of heavy decisions to be made for Cohen. But writing it also felt so good because we are parenting our son - we, as his Mom and Dad, prayerfully considered choices and paths that we felt best for our son and we made decisions for Cohen. That felt good. Now, the funeral home, it's mainly a struggle for us because we aren't sure we want to do it all. I know that sounds obvious but I don't just mean because no parent wants to bury their child. We struggle because we have hope or are really trying to have hope that God will heal Cohen - it's hard for me to write that - God will heal Cohen - it's easier to write God can heal Cohen because I believe that with my whole heart. But to believe that he will - that carries with it a fear of disappointment with God if he doesn't. We struggle daily with the balance of hope and faith and living in what our world says is reality. To go to the funeral home - well, it sometimes seems like the right thing to do - to prepare as much as we can now so that it will be "easier" on us later, but it sometimes feels so faithless. We have the appointment for Thursday - we were suppose to go last week and Cort got sick so we had to cancel. I don't know. Pray for us.

The hospital tour - just a reminder of the expectation of his death....the expectation that we will not go home with our son.

I know that was all really heavy and it wasn't really my intent. We are actually in a decent place right now but I have mainly just been updating the blog after things have happened. We appreciate everyone's prayers and so I just thought this time I would speak to it all ahead of time so you can be praying for us. Thanks for letting me share.

1st of the weeklies

This week we had a doctor appointment with my OB that kicked off the weekly appointments. We had an ultrasound there so it was great to get to see him. They aren't the 3D ones so we don't get to see much but he was more cooperative than last time so that was good. My fluid levels looked good and his heartbeat was nice and strong. His little cheeks look so chubby even in the 2D. The ultrasound tech showed us where you can see he is starting to have some hair on his head. Love it.

It was def. nice for us to get to see him and reassuring that everything looked good as far as the pregnancy was going.
Lots of people are wondering about his arm but we weren't able to see it so we aren't sure how it is healing. We probably won't know until we go back to the specialist on the 19th.