Little Miracles

Days have been hard recently. Cohen is doing very well but I am tired. Very tired. For the past two weeks we have had some sort of appointment every morning and sometimes something in the afternoon too. I have come down with some sort of cold or something ( the doctor didn't really help me figure it out) and that isn't helping. I have to wear a mask when I handle and nurse Cohen to try to keep him from getting whatever type of respiratory stuff I have going on. This is frustrating and worry that he's going to get sick but so far so good. Please pray that he and Cort do not get sick.

I think of these hard days in light of what I thought today may have been like - what everyone prepared me for in pregnancy. In comparison, I love my dry hands from washing them a million times and love the annoying little masks I wear. I love each doctor's appointment in my day planner. I love it all. I can't say it makes is all easy. I am still a mom adapting to the "normal 2 children thing" and I am still a mom adjusting to the fact that our life is very different from what we had planned... a mom adjusting to the fact that my little Cohen's life may not be very easy. But I am never ungrateful. I am always thankful for this time, this gift, this miracle God has given us.

While I was pregnant with Cohen, when I first found out about Cohen's fatal diagnosis, tons of people sent me links to other blogs - women who had lost their babies or were currently pregnant with a child who also received a fatal diagnosis. ( Most of them were babies with Trisomy 18) At first, I didn't look at them. I wasn't ready - other people's stories did not bring me comfort. After about a month or so I slowly started to look at a few. And by 2 months out, I had a whole little community of women that I could silently peek in on, silently pray for, and silently connect with. I hardly ever commented on their blogs - i wasn't quite ready for contact - maybe it seemed to make it to real - to totally connect myself with these other mothers. These women spoke to me in unbelievable ways through their journeys. I love their little ones and I love them.There were times I didn't feel like I could completely connect because Cohen's condition was so rare - no one else had a child with exactly what he had. I sometimes wished for even a different fatal diagnosis - one that would at least allow me the possibility of getting to bring him home. In the end, i knew this was a very silly thought process and the end I knew that the diagnosis did not make a difference. These other pregnant mother's and I were going through the same thing - Undeniable grief, sadness, pain, confusion, and unbelievable hope. I read blogs of women who were months before me and had already lost their babies, ones that had their babies and were taking care of them at their homes until they sent them home to Jesus. I prepared myself to be a part of that community as well - not just a pregnant women with a prenatal fatal diagnosis but a women who had lost her child. I prayed daily for that not to happen but I prepared myself for it.

And I stand here now - not fully a part of that community and it is hard to explain how it feels. I am not a women who has lost her child. Yes, it feels wonderful. I am in awe of our God daily that he has blessed us with this Miracle. That Cohen is defying all odds. That somewhere between his last ultrasound and birth God grew him - He grew him in a way that doctors will not admit and people cannot explain but He did it. But it feels strange too - strange to sit there holding him knowing that this is not how it was "suppose" to be. Strange to read these blogs of whom I'll call my friends and cry because I don't understand. I don't understand why Cohen is here and their little ones are not. In the same way that I trusted God through my pregnancy that His will be done - that his way is always the right way - the He is good and He loves us - I trust Him now. I trust Him that this is how it is suppose to be for us and it is how it suppose to be for them but I do not understand it and I do not like it for them. I think of them when I celebrate another day with Cohen and am pained at the thought of the way they have to count their days. I pray for them because where I once could, I now cannot imagine what they must feel. Maybe I have some understanding more than most but really, I don't know if I can even claim that. I am constantly humbled as I know I hold my little one undeserving - nothing by my own merit - only by the sweet, sweet rescue of my Lord. I am constantly floored that the impact that Cohen has had on people and their lives. I have seen God move in big ways. I know that my friends and their little ones have done the same with every little second of their lives and praise God for that. I have added several of my new friends as links on my blog. I would ask that you pray for them as they face each day - that God would bless them in ways that they can feel - that they can feel His presence and know that He is good and He loves them. That He is Good and He loves their little ones - their little miracles - more than we could ever know.